Who Am I?

I’m writing under the name Ezekiel Lot. I’m trying to keep the focus where it belongs—on Jesus Christ, on God’s grace and truth, etc. I’m not interested in personal fame, and I want the freedom to share hard truths without compromising the privacy of those around me. I recommend that any money anyone might be tempted to send to this ministry would be better used helping someone meet a legitimate urgent need; our brothers and sisters in Christ who have lost their homes to persecution, hungry children, etc., immediately come to mind. 

I chose the biblical names Ezekiel and Lot for a reason. Both names are tied to some of the earthier, uncomfortable parts of the Bible which give us insight into the messy, complicated parts of life we often avoid discussing in polite church settings. This ministry won’t shy away from those realities. More personally, I picked them because both men lost their wives. She's alive and we're married, but...I'm getting ahead of myself.

I am an ordained minister that has lost count of how many times I've read through the Bible. I’ve never accepted money for religious instruction. Paul made tents; I worked in health care. I'm here to use my spiritual gifts for the good of the rest of the body of Christ. As I'm not providing pastoral care here, settling disputes, controlling a treasury, representing a congregation in inquiries from Roman authorities, etc., we can ride right on past Paul's requirement of being a family man (with everybody at his house behaving) for an elder (1 Timothy 3:1-7). Teaching and prophecy are separate gifts from being a leader (Romans 12:6-8), prophecy is just giving a clear witness for Jesus Christ (Revelation 19:10), even Philip's daughters prophesied (Acts 21:9), Jesus and Paul were single, etc.

My wife has a neuromuscular disorder. For years, her medications managed her symptoms. When the medicines she depended on began causing harmful side effects, her doctors had to change her regimen. The new treatments have helped her body, but also have transformed her personality—frankly, she’s very difficult to live with now. I’ve become, in many ways, more of a father and a butler to her instead of a husband, because that’s what she needs me to be for her in this season of life. It turns out that the sweet personality I had fallen in love with had been chemically induced all along; it was just another medication’s side effect. (I’m not writing this to put her down, and I’m not going to provide a blow-by-blow account of her verbal and physical abuse toward me. However, you deserve to know what sort of person is trying to offer you spiritual guidance under an assumed name. It’s like how the other jackleg preachers put professional photos of them with their wife and kids on their sites.) I’m writing this at three in the morning after reading a typically vicious barrage of all-caps text messages from her. It’s not over infidelity or anything like that, and she’s quick to tell me to handle things on my own away from her. As much as she likes fighting, she’d love to have some good ammo like an affair or something. Rather, she dusted off an argument from a month ago that she started because my visibly tired appearance in the lobby of a concert venue was an embarrassment to her. I know I did this to myself. I worked nights for over sixteen years (and overtime, too) to spoil her rotten. I do all the driving, I buy all the tickets, I bring her food on a literal (mildly corroded) silver platter…

And yet, I’m staying.

It’s not easy. I’m not trying to make anyone think I’m a hero or anything. Jesus says to stay (1 Corinthians 7:11), to love when it’s hard, to serve when it’s costly (she’s an online shopaholic, too). Jesus says not to abandon her, even when the romance has long since given way to duty. I can’t take credit for anything. Jesus lives in and loves through His people.

This blog is a place where I’ll wrestle with faith in the trenches of real life. I grew up in a legalistic denomination that is presently imploding over the practical application of 1 Corinthians 5:11, and I experienced God’s grace genuinely on a quiet hillside in the Ozarks about five years ago. Before that meeting with Him, the Bible seemed to be a mess of contradictions and the bar for salvation seemed too high. Now, with the help of the Holy Spirit, alleged apparent contradictions point to deeper truths. I’ll write about grace that meets us where we are and challenges us to keep going, even when our stories don’t seem like they’re on the way to a picture-perfect ending. If you’ve ever felt like your faith doesn’t fit, I hope you’ll find encouragement here.

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