Living With an “Impossible” Situation

The following post came about in response to a reader’s question.

As a reminder, my wife has a neuromuscular condition that keeps her bedridden for most of her days. The sweet personality I fell in love with was merely a mood-stabilizing side effect of her old medication regimen; as her condition worsened, she was given new medications that helped her physically, but sometimes she’s verbally and physically abusive, narcissistic, a spendthrift, etc., and she’s alienated basically everyone in her life except me, her mother, and some people on the Internet that don’t know her that well. I’ve learned a great deal about caring for her from my mother, who cared for her own mother through ten hard years of Alzheimer’s before a nursing home became essential. Something I’ve seen in both experiences is that chronic illness, chronic pain, etc. often turns the person you love into someone entirely new, and not in a fun, “Dad’s taken up street magic” way, but more like, “My wife has become an *NSYNC-obsessed conspiracy theorist who bites people.” Your person might remember everything you’ve ever done wrong, and none of what you did right. They may demand constant help and menial service, waste all your money like an elaborate Squishmallow-themed Viking funeral, then accuse you of oppression. It’s fun.

Part 1 – Staying Sane as a Caregiver for Someone with a Chronic Condition: The Spiritual Perspective 

Caring for someone with a chronic condition is one of those things that can test every part of you: your patience, your love, your theology, your sense of humor, your sleep schedule, and your ability not to scream into a dishtowel at 2 a.m. There’s a difference between living and surviving. It’s a daily dance between self-sacrifice and sanity. And if you’ve ever wondered, “How do I stay faithful, grounded, and not lose my mind in the process?”—you’re not alone.

Let’s look at caregiving through the lens of New Covenant.

Why Are You Still Here? Jesus.

Let’s start with the most grounding truth: You’re here in this situation because Jesus is here. Your love, your commitment, your decision to stay—these aren’t just acts of obligation; they’re acts of worship called “a living sacrifice” in Romans 12, which sounds noble and inspiring until you realize it’s also kind of like being a slowly roasting hot dog on a spiritual truck stop roller grill. Such spiritual sacrifices don’t look flashy, but they reflect the quiet strength of Christ living in you. The same power that raised Christ from the dead is in you, and it’s stronger than whatever is currently growing black mold in your bathroom because you haven’t had the motivation to deal with it since before Lent.

So no, you’re not “just hanging in there.” You’re radiating eternal victory. Quietly. While wiping orange juice off of lots of expensive things.

You may wonder whether you’re supposed to stay. That’s fair. If you suspect yourself of participating in merely guilt-driven duty, see our prior discussion of Matthew 5:32 in Another Bible Commentary. If you’re staying, let it be out of love, not law; let it be because Jesus lives in you, and you know He’s with you in the chaos.

The Solution to the Problem is Your Identity

It’s tempting to chase fixes, hacks, and outcomes. But the real solution is to be a Christian. Not perform like one; be who you already are. You are a child of the living God.

The Christian life is not about striving to crank out good deeds—it’s about bearing fruit naturally through dependence on Christ. Galatians 2:20 isn't poetry; it's the blueprint: “It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me.”

Remember all the good things for you in the New Covenant. You are a saint. You are greatly blessed, heavily favored, deeply loved, the very righteousness of God Himself thanks to what Jesus did for you, etc.

From that identity flows patience, endurance, even joy. Not because you're trying hard—but because Jesus is enough, and He lives in you. You’re already equipped for this—you just might not feel it right now. That’s okay. Faith isn’t about feelings, but about knowing.

Now that we feel special, here’s another truth to hold onto simultaneously: 

You’re not special. And that’s actually freeing.

Someone in this world, right now, born on the same day as you and perhaps dying today, might be facing unimaginable suffering—starving, imprisoned, persecuted for their faith, etc. And they'd love to have your problem. There’s probably someone with a two-year-old with a glitter wand that would trade places with you for a bit. Take a moment to consider what might be great about having this particular problem and to count your blessings. For example, I’m taking care of a chronically ill and ill-tempered wife, but a friend’s wife died suddenly, and talking to him provides valuable perspective. Someone else has got no running water, no medicine, and twelve cousins sleeping in the kitchen. “Your spouse yelled at you? Okay. But did a goat eat your mattress? No? Then breathe.” This isn’t to shame you for feeling sorry for yourself or to invalidate your pain; quite the opposite, it’s to remind you that there’s an upside. You’re not alone, and you’re not forgotten. We were promised trouble in this world (John 16:33). This burden doesn’t mean God has abandoned you. It may be the exact place where His grace is going to shine brightest, and we’re just humble humans here to serve. I’m not saying your pain ain’t real. I’m just saying it ain’t unique. And when you realize that? You stop feeling cursed and start feeling... called.

Praise is How We Win

2 Chronicles 20 gives us a strange battle plan: send out the worship team first. That’s right. Things happen when you praise Him. Praise came before the victory. Pray without ceasing. Jehoshaphat prayed confidently, knowing that God is greater than the problem, trusting God because of their relationship and because of God’s track record. For Jehoshaphat, it was over before it started. Victory might look like a problem going away, or victory might look like you being sustained in the face of long odds. Stay grateful at every turn. Every battle belongs to Jesus. Look to Him; cast your cares on Him. Praise Him, for He is good; His grace endures forever. Be still. He’s got you. He said that if you believe you will succeed. Faith saves. Keep this refrain going throughout the problem: “Give thanks to the LORD, for His love endures forever (1 Chronicles 16:34, 2 Chronicles 5:13, 2 Chronicles 7:3-6, Psalm 136).” Focusing on hymns, etc., can be helpful. It’s not a magic spell to control God, it’s just a way to exercise faith. We are called to be thankful in all circumstances (for what He has done for us already, for what He is doing now in us, for what He will do when He sets this reality right again, etc.), not for all circumstances. This is a fallen world. People are fascinated by shows that depict (sometimes horrifying) alternate realities, but because of The Fall, we are in the Upside Down now, so to speak.

What about when it all becomes too much? Here is a simple, honest prayer:

“Father, I ain’t got this, but I know You do, so thank You.”

Own What’s Real. Don’t Minimize or Magnify.

Spiritual maturity doesn’t mean pretending everything’s fine. Don’t lie to yourself or just slap a Bible verse on a deep wound like spiritual duct tape. Don’t minimize the enormity of your problem or deny the legitimacy of your hurt. Don’t put a “blessed” sticker on a dumpster fire. Just bring it to God and say, “This is trash. Help.” Jesus didn’t die so you could lie about your life. He died so you could LIVE, even in the middle of this mess.

If your situation hurts, admit it. If you're carrying resentment, deal with it. Take ownership of any part of your situation that you should (e.g. that is actually your fault, etc.) and deal with what you can. Don’t blow things out of proportion, though. Also, make sure you’re only carrying the current baggage you need to by asking questions about anything else that is emotionally troublesome: Is this still happening, or am I stuck in a loop from years ago? If something happened to me more than half my life ago, is letting it bother me anymore productive? What has rehashing this memory or frustration really gotten me? Is it comparable to picking an old scab open?

You’re Not Alone—Even When It Feels Like You Are

Most of your stress probably has a name and a face, and maybe even lives in your house. Conflict with a spouse or loved one can make caregiving feel like a battlefield.

But, pause and reframe:

• Is this person someone to love—or a problem to fix?

• Are you allies against a common enemy—or adversaries in a zero-sum game?

If your spouse/parent/grandparent/child/etc. is a believer, then you’re on the same team like two mismatched but determined penguins in a blizzard. Your opponent is not each other—it’s the power of Sin and its manifestations, the fallen world, demonic opposition, the Accuser, etc. Scorekeeping doesn’t help. Mutual grace does. Give each other permission to be human. This is not a fight to win; you lose when your teammate loses. You’re not fighting a person—you’re fighting a broken situation. The disease is the jerk. Don’t take it personally, but you will, and that is to be expected.

You have to learn to say, “I’m not mad at you. I’m mad at what this illness is doing to both of us.”

Then, go get some ice cream and turn on some gospel music or whatever keeps you from committing a felony.

Pray Without Ceasing... Even If That Just Means Being Honest All Day Long

"Pray without ceasing" doesn't mean closing your eyes while you’re making dinner and burning yourself or driving to appointments and wrecking your car. It means staying in constant awareness that Jesus is in you, with you, and for you. Listen to what your New Covenant heart is telling you; that’s what being led by the Spirit means.

Sometimes, prayer sounds like “Hallelujah! Wow! Thanks!” Sometimes, it’s “Help me not throw this plate.” And that’s okay. God hears all of it. God’s tough; the psalmists threw pretty much every human emotion into His mailbox.

Sometimes, the most spiritual thing you can do is take a nap. Resting is an act of trust. Jesus napped in the storm, after all. The Truth, Jesus, sets you free. Tell Him about it, and then try to let it go. It’s worth remembering that even Jesus—who, again, is God—frequently had to retreat into the wilderness just to get some alone time. If Jesus needed naps and boundaries, then so do you.

What Did Jesus Do? And What Is He Doing Now?

WWJD is fine, but it can quickly turn into legalism if we’re not careful. A better question is:

• What Did Jesus Do for Me Already?

• What Is Jesus Doing in Me Right Now?

This isn’t about asking “How can I be more like Jesus?” It’s about recognizing: He is your life. You’re not performing for Him. You’re living from Him. See Colossians 3:4. Hallelujah! Maranatha! Come, Lord Jesus! And until He does, He’s here with you.

Being a caregiver is hard. But being a child of God is restful, even in the hard times. Faith grows in weird places.

You don’t have to fake it. You don’t have to win. You don’t have to fix everyone.

You do need to know who you are: a beloved, equipped, righteous child of God—living in a messed-up world but filled with the Spirit of the living Christ.

So breathe. Pray. Praise. Nap. Laugh when you can. Cry if you must. And above all, remember: You’re not carrying this alone. He’s got this, and He’s got you. He already did the heavy lifting—on the cross. Now, He’s doing the loving, forgiving, healing work inside you, even when you don’t feel holy, and even when you’re hiding in the garage with a bag of Doritos.

Part 2 – Staying Sane While Caring for Someone with a Chronic Condition: Practical Advice for Caregivers

Caregiving, especially for someone with a chronic condition, is a marathon, not a sprint. It demands patience, strength, and resilience, yet the emotional, mental, and physical toll can leave you feeling drained. This isn't about being a superhero. It's about maintaining your own sanity while you help someone you love. Here’s some practical advice to navigate the challenging waters of caregiving without losing yourself in the process. It’s offered in the same spirit as when Paul told Timothy to take some red wine for his stomach; he didn’t just tell him to have more faith.

Lean on Your Support System

One of the hardest things to do as a caregiver is to ask for help. You may think you’re tough enough to handle it all, or you don’t want to burden others. But the truth is, caregiving is a team effort—even if that team is just a few trusted friends, family members, or professionals.

You don’t have to do everything alone. Sometimes, it’s as simple as having someone to vent to or share a laugh with. A little of that goes a long way; whining and betraying confidences to humans are not to be our default approaches. If you can, choose to seek counsel from people that might actually be able to help you fix your problem. You can also tap into professional resources like a support group or therapy. It’s easy to forget that you can lean on others, but being the strong one doesn’t mean carrying the entire weight by yourself.

Take It One Step at a Time

When you’re in the thick of caregiving, it’s tempting to spiral into worry about the future or feel overwhelmed by the present. Don’t. Just focus on getting through today. As Jesus said in Matthew 6:34, “Today has enough trouble of its own.” It’s fine if you need to take it five minutes at a time.

Have faith that Christ works through you and that the “Next Right Thing” will unfold in its time. Focus on the small tasks ahead of you. Break the big picture into manageable pieces and tackle each one. Let yourself off the hook for things that feel out of your control; our own works are not our primary concern (Ephesians 2:8-9).

You Are Stronger Than You Think

Caregiving will test your limits, but it will also reveal hidden reserves of strength you didn’t know you had. Think of Kimmy Schmidt’s “You Can Tolerate Anything For Ten Seconds” mantra, and start a new ten seconds as often as you need to. Life doesn’t have to be perfect, and your actions don’t have to be perfect. Just make it through one ten-second segment at a time. When things get overwhelming, try remembering these past moments of resilience. You might find that you, too, are tougher than you think. Take the Joker in The Dark Knight—he didn’t break down when he was imprisoned and beaten; he laughed in the face of his powerless attempted tormentor. I’m joking (a little); it’s not about avoiding breakdowns, it’s about how you handle them. That reminds me of another wrestling reference: When Swerve Strickland was receiving his comeuppance for stalking “Hangman” Adam Page’s family, he winced when the first few staples entered his skin. Then, he stopped caring. He smiled at the “Hangman” like a slasher movie villain, took his staple gun, and put a few more into his own chest to demonstrate his toughness. Despite portraying an utter villain, the crowd got behind him because of his refusal to stay down. Refusing to stay dead is very much on-brand for Christians. 

Take Care of Yourself; Otherwise, How Are You Going to Take Care of Them?

It’s natural for Christians to fall into the trap of thinking they must sacrifice everything for their loved one. It’s a noble impulse, but it can lead to burnout and resentment. Yes, the greatest love lays down life itself for a friend, but what are they going to do next Tuesday when they need more help? Caring for them is a continuous sacrifice as seen in Romans 12:1. You have to put your own oxygen mask on a plane before assisting others with theirs. Only then can you be the kind of support your loved one truly needs. You are allowed to take breaks. You are allowed to enjoy hobbies, work, or simply rest. Taking care of yourself isn’t selfish; it’s essential.

Don’t let the weight of your role lead you to believe that being a caregiver means martyrdom. You’re not helping anyone by running yourself into the ground. God wants His children to live in peace (1 Corinthians 7:15). Take Sabbaths from your problems. Maybe that means watching a show you love, going for a walk, or simply having a drink (within moderation, of course). You’ll be better equipped to care for them when you’re recharged. You are free in Christ. Humans require things like sleep, exercise, good food, leisure; maybe consider reading the Bible or getting laid in ways that don’t transgress Leviticus 18 or Leviticus 20. Self-care isn’t just a buzzword; it’s a necessity for caregivers. Your soul/psyche/mind/will/emotions can feel bad because your body feels bad. I don’t know what you’re low on, but you may be two (sodas/waters/juices/Wild Turkeys/etc.) and three trips to the bathroom from feeling a lot better.

You have an imagination 

You might solve the problem, or you might Walter Mitty this for another month and try again. One of the SERE tactics to endure torture is to mentally go to your happy place.

Create Avatars to Handle the Pressure

People that advocate for focusing on our new identity in Christ as saints are often accused of playacting sainthood as if we were dressing up for Halloween. Again, let me emphasize that any idea of humility that denies we are enthroned in Heaven with Christ (Ephesians 2:6) is a false one. On the topic of costumes, though, we all wear different hats in life. As a caregiver, you might wear the hat of the empathetic listener, the nurse, the planner, and more. Character/gimmick changes like Jacob/Isaac, Saul/Paul are important in the Bible. Some people have found that it helps to create a “character” or avatar for each role. Think of them as your own personal wrestling gimmicks—these avatars help you detach and handle each responsibility with a different perspective. You may have heard of Beyonce using the alter ego “Sasha Fierce” for a confidence boost, or of certain professional athletes adopting the mental state of The Terminator. It can be as simple as your Work Self not carrying all the problems from home to the office and not bringing the stress of work back home again. It may be easy to think of Jesus remaining calm and empathetic (unless He’s talking to a Pharisee, then He might flip over some furniture and call someone a snake), but sometimes it’s hard to apply our spiritual knowledge to the problems we encounter. Your new heart, new spirit, and the Holy Spirit all within you want to radiate love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, and self-control, but your job might be a Spirit-quencher. A good alter ego can be as simple as modeling an effective coworker. An old acquaintance, let’s call him Derek, might be a readily available model of how to stay calm and empathetic in your actual job, no matter how difficult the situation. For example, “What would Derek do on the phone with this abrasive customer?” When you act like this fellow, you can start to embody the traits you want to in that situation, even if it doesn’t feel fully authentic while in the moment yet. There’s a difference between faking it until you make it and acting in faith. Act as if you love people. If we act like it long enough, it just might become apparent who we are actually. 

Use Simple Communication Tactics, aka Master the Art of Peaceful Stonewalling

You don’t have to win every argument. You don’t even have to participate. Sometimes the most peaceful response is a simple acknowledgment and a firm, non-reactive boundary. In difficult conversations, especially with those who are hard to communicate with, simple tactics like the "Broken Record" technique can save you time and energy. If you know your endpoint, don’t get caught up in the back-and-forth. Repeating the key message, like, "I hear you, but state law requires…" will help you avoid unnecessary conflict. “Fogging” is another helpful tool, where you acknowledge the other person’s point of view without getting defensive: “You may be right, but here’s how I see it…” Then, play the “Broken Record” again. “However”, “be that as it may”, “nevertheless”, “I can see how that must feel, but…”, “maybe the policy will change, but tonight…”, and so forth. Repeat until they surrender.

Cut Yourself Some Slack

Caregiving is a long haul. You’ll have bad days, and you’ll make mistakes. That’s okay. You, the person you're caring for, and all of us all stumble in many ways (James 3:2). The grace you extend to others should also be extended to yourself. You're doing your best, and that is enough. Give yourself permission to fail. If you’ve done all you can do, take a step back and trust that the rest is out of your hands. God is on the job and things have a way of working out. His Grace gets bigger (Romans 5:20). The principle of pikuach nefesh is a helpful tool when analyzing Scripture to see that apart from murder, idolatry, and specific sexual practices, even the Law of Moses had to be bent to save lives, since the purpose of the Law was to live (Leviticus 18:5). I used to say that I was going to Hell for lying to my grandmother to get her onto a plane bound for St. Louis (to get better treatment for her Alzheimer’s); now, I see that not only was that the right thing to do, but that my eternal fate isn’t about my actions (Ephesians 2:8-9).

Don't Dwell on What You Can’t Control

In the end, most of the things we worry about are things we can’t control. This applies to caregiving just as much as it applies to life in general. Once you’ve done what you can, let go of the rest. You’re not here to carry the world. Moreover, it is not external events that perturb us, but our reaction to them or the meaning that we give them. Focus on things you have some control over (like most of your own thoughts and behaviors while being present in this moment), and trust everything to God. Remember you are a new creation to be your best self always. Don’t want what you can’t have. Be slow to anger. There is a step between stimulus and response where you can decide to let Christ’s life show through you instead if you choose to. You are not your body, you are not your thoughts (Sin feeds you its thoughts and accuses you of having them); “you” observe these things. To let go of suffering, let go of wanting, especially things that are out of your control (and it all belongs to God anyway). Whatever is happening, this too shall pass. You tend to find what you are seeking, including funny stories at your job or reasons to be grateful while being stuck in traffic, so be intentional about seeking them. Be a detached observer of a world giving you the finger. Don’t answer every barking dog. The world is a dog barking behind a fence; nothing of real value is threatened once you trust God. See 2 Samuel 12:16-13; have faith, pray about it, but be able to accept reality as it is and adapt. A dog on a leash can accept its circumstances or stubbornly drag along (suffer). Choose not to suffer. Would whomever is being grieved want those who remain to be miserable, or to be grateful to have known them and to move on? When frustrated, blame your own unrealistic expectations. Don’t be angry, those who are wronging you are crippled in their most important faculty. Pity them instead. Everyone more or less thinks they’re doing the right thing. Why value their opinion of you more so than your own? Why accept criticism from people you would never ask for advice? They probably aren’t even thinking of you now; others focused on their own problems and insecurities. Relax and realize that it’s not about you. If you know the extent to which other people are projecting, you wouldn’t take anything personally. Stop attaching meaning to everything. Instead of reacting to a mishap, say to yourself “for such a small price, I buy tranquility instead.” Regarding anything important: I can’t, but God can. Let Christ do the next right thing through you. Know that you are perfectly loved and totally forgiven no matter what, then reflect that love into the situations in which you find yourself. Speak about others as if they have you wiretapped. Always remember the whole list of quality people that made and taught you. Other people lack their influence. Stepping away from all stressors is hard. Choosing to be unfazed is less hard. There are people that know not to give their body to everyone who comes along that will yield their mind and emotions to any distraction. 

When caregiving feels overwhelming, take a step back and remind yourself that in the grand scheme of things, very little of what we’re in charge of truly matters, including the fact that very little matters. Meaninglessness is meaningless, so why not smile anyway through the chaos? Caregiving is messy, unpredictable, difficult, exhausting, and often smells faintly of antiseptic and despair, but it's also a chance to show love in its most tangible form. Give yourself grace. Lean on others when you need to and take time for yourself. Just keep going with faith in Jesus, take it one moment at a time, and keep your sense of humor. Don’t dwell on stuff. If you’ve done what you can and know that God’s on the job, then change your focus. For example, professional wrestling’s been extremely good lately. 

You’ve got this.

Final Thought: You’re in the Fire… But You Ain’t Alone

Real talk? You’re doing something holy. You’re living out the rawest, grittiest, most Jesus-looking version of love there is. You’re the hero because you’re the servant. You’re the one who stays when it sucks, the one who doesn’t get thanked, and the one who looks at the cross and says, “Yeah, okay. I got next.” Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego got tossed in a fire. But when the king looked in, there was a fourth dude. Look around your fire, baby. Jesus is IN THERE. The same One who’s in your laundry room right now, helping you not scream, right in the middle of the yelling, the pills, the paperwork, the guilt, the grief, or whatever. You are NOT alone. You might be tired, but you are filled with the same Spirit that raised Christ from the dead, and that’s stronger than any drama you’re dealing with. You might think this whole ordeal is just some terrible detour from your “real life.” But here’s the thing: this IS your life. This fire you’re in? That’s where God shows up. 

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