Vacation Bible School

In an alternate universe in which the physical locations plan for That Church By The Vape Shop panned out, we had a very successful Vacation Bible School this past week! It was probably such a joy to introduce the children to Jesus and to share in their spiritual enrichment. I want to thank all of those who played a role in whatever capacity to make VBS 2025 a success. Let’s see what that might have looked like:

VBS Day 1 Lesson Transcript: "Y’all Already Holy, So Act Like It"

Location: Fellowship Tent (set up between the church and “Cloudz N’ Puffz Vape ‘n’ Hookah Emporium”)

Speaker: Associate Pastor Leon “Peaches” Watkins – Youth Pastor, former minor league pro wrestler, current unlicensed barbecue competition judge

[Pastor Peaches bursts on stage in a red-and-gold sequined tracksuit with a rhinestone cross on the back, chewing a toothpick and holding a well-loved, duct-taped Bible.]

Pastor Peaches: "Children of the Almighty! Saints of the Most High! BELIEVERS WHO STILL AIN’T GOT THE —KENTRELL, BABY, I love you, but them communion wafers ain’t Jenga blocks, son! Stop messin’ with the Lord’s Lunchables!"

[Laughter erupts. Peaches winks and flips open his Bible dramatically.]

"Now, I know this is VBS and y’all expect crafts, juice boxes, and MAYBE an adult tryin’ to do the Cupid Shuffle at the end of the week. Look at Sister Cheryl over there tryin’ to do the Electric Slide like her hips ain’t made of glass and expired Bengay. Y’all ready? I said: Y’ALL READY?!"

Kids: "YEAHHHHHH!!!"

Pastor Peaches: "Alright now, turn in your Bibles—wait, what’s that? No Bible? [points] You brought a Beyblade but not a Bible? Ain’t that just the modern church in a nutshell. Alright, Sister Trina, put verse on the screen, sweetie."

"Hebrews 10:14 — For by one sacrifice He has made perfect forever those who are being made holy."

"You see that? That’s not 'made perfect till your next slip-up.' That’s not 'made perfect if you say sorry in King James English every morning', 'perfect till your next TikTok apology video', or 'perfect if you cry during the third verse of Waymaker.’ That’s perfect forever. Jesus ain’t got a return policy, baby! Let me tell you about Jesus Christ. Did you ever mess up real bad? Like, tell your mama you didn’t eat the snacks—but you got Cheeto dust on your soul?"

[Kids giggle. Peaches nods solemnly.]

"Yeah. That’s called sin. It's like spiritual boogers. Gets up in your heart. Blocks the good stuff. And it separates you from God—who, by the way, made you, loves you, and don’t care that your shoes light up or that your cousin peed in the baptismal once. He just wants you. But here’s the twist. God ain’t like us. He don’t hold grudges or block people on Instagram. He sent Jesus. That’s His Son. Not like a sidekick. Not like Batman and Robin. Jesus IS God. Jesus came down here, in the middle of all this foolishness—donkeys, dirty feet, and people who don't mind they business—and He lived perfect. Never lied, never cheated, never stole a Capri Sun."

[Gasps. A child drops a crayon.]

"And then? We killed Him. Yeah. Folks didn’t like how real He was. But He let ‘em. 'Cause dying was the plan. He prayed that everyone who believes in Him becomes united with Him, and He's indestructible and living in Heaven (and us) now. He took our punishment—like when your cousin breaks something but you get the whooping."

[Everyone suddenly feels this. One kid clutches his stomach.]

"But He ain’t stay dead! Nah, baby. He got up like He had somewhere to be. 'Cause He did: He had to make a way for you to be right with God. So now? If you believe in Him—like, for real believe, not just ‘cause you want more goldfish crackers—God says you’re clean. Forgiven. New. Part of the fam."

[Pauses. Paces slowly. Then says it low and serious.]

"That’s it. No magic. No ten-dollar words. Just Jesus. You trust Him, He saves you. Forever. So, who ready to stop tryna be good enough, and start trusting the one who was good enough for you?"

[Kids miraculously pay attention. One kid sneezes into a Funyuns bag. Pastor Peaches nods solemnly.]

"Bless you, Ja’Darrius. I declare that your sneeze sounded more like a mini-exorcism. Either way, you clean now. Let me break it down: When Jesus died on that cross, He didn’t just forgive your last sin. He forgave your next one, too. And I already hear one of y’all in the back thinkin’ like a tiny lawyer: 

‘Does that mean I can go wildin’ and do whatever I want?’

SIT. ALL THE WAY. DOWN. WITH THAT. No, honey. That’s like gettin’ invited to the VIP section at a concert and choosin’ to go sit in the porta-potty instead. Why would you, though? Why are you crawlin’ back to the mud like a confused possum? You’re holy now. That ain’t somethin’ you earn—that’s somethin’ you are. Like being left-handed or allergic to shrimp."

"SAY IT WITH ME: I am holy!"

Kids: "I am holy!"

"I am forgiven!"

Kids: "I am forgiven!"

"So doin’ dumb stuff is beneath me!"

Kids: "...do we have to say 'dumb'?"

Pastor Peaches: "Say it and be free, child! Say it with victory in your lungs!"

Kids (laughing): "Doin’ dumb stuff is beneath me!"

Pastor Peaches: "That’s right! You ain't just a sinner saved by grace—you a brand-new creation, all shiny and twinkly and filled with the Holy Spirit like a holy Capri Sun. You got a new heart, a new spirit, and God Himself livin’ in you. He moved in. He brought a couch, installed WiFi, and put your picture on the refrigerator. Now, I know some of y’all still got questions. Like:

‘But Pastor, if I still mess up, does that mean I’m not really saved?’

"No, baby. That means you're still learnin’. You ever seen an acorn? I know some of y’all haven’t been outside the city, or been outside period. It’s a lil’ awkward nut with delusions of grandeur. But you give it time, sunlight, and a lil’ water—and BAM—it’s an oak tree. But the moment it sprouts, it’s already an oak, even if it’s only two inches tall. That’s you, boo. Just a holy lil’ sapling."

[Dramatic pause. Pastor Peaches leans close, dropping his voice.]

"And lemme tell you what you ain’t gotta do. You ain’t gotta beg God to take you back like He your ex and you forgot His birthday. He already said yes forever. He ain’t ghostin’ you. He ain’t blockin’ your number. He moved inside you and He ain’t payin’ rent, ‘cause He already paid with blood. Now go on. Be nice to each other. Stop callin’ people ashy, even if they are. Don’t steal scooters or throw hot Cheetos at Officer Martinez—he’s tryin’, Lord knows he is. And Kentrell? Baby? You can’t baptize the neighbor’s cat. That’s not evangelism, that’s felony mischief."

[Kids fall over laughing. Music starts softly: a soulful lo-fi gospel beat begins to play.]

Pastor Peaches: "Y’all, this week we gonna talk more about this freedom. We gonna learn how to walk it out. But today? Today I just want you to rest in it. You're good with God. You are righteous. He’s not mad at you. You're not trying to get clean—you already clean. So go forth, VBS crew, and BE GOOD. AND REMEMBER: WHOOOOOO—YOU HOLY NOW!"

VBS Day 2: "You Ain’t The Flesh, and You Ain’t Who You Used to Be"

Theme Verse: Romans 7:17 – “As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me.” 

Location: Parking lot (converted into a makeshift waterpark + inflatable pulpit) 

Speaker: Associate Pastor Leon “Peaches” Watkins 

Guest Appearance: Sister Velma from Facilities, armed with a mop and strong opinions

[Pastor Peaches arrives via scooter, wearing swim trunks and water wings that say "Righteousness."]

Pastor Peaches:

“CHIIIIILDREN OF THE PROMISE! SAINTS OF THE SLIP-N-SLIDE! LEND ME YOUR EARS—AND YOUR UNDILUTED ENERGY—because I got a word hotter than Sister Velma’s stare at them unauthorized Kool-Aid stains on the carpet last week!”

[Crowd CHEERS. Velma frowns with authority.]

Pastor Peaches: "Now I know we got water balloons today—and yes, we gonna dunk Associate Pastor Reggie later for his extremely unholy beige sadness potato salad last night—but first, I gotta teach y’all something vitally spiritual."

Romans 7:17 – “As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me.”

Pastor Peaches: "That’s Paul talkin’. Apostle Paul. Used to be Saul. He had a dark past, baby. Certified Level 10 Villain, Anti-Christian Ops Division! He used to persecute! But now? He PROCLAIMS. But even after he got saved, he still sometimes did what he hated. But here’s the thing: he didn’t say ‘I’m a dirty sinner. I smell like Burger King and Newports—I don’t know if Ananias should lay hands or light a candle.’ He said: ‘That ain’t even me anymore.’ Let me break it down: You got a new heart. You got a new spirit. You got the Holy Spirit. But what you don’t have yet? A new body. That’s comin’ later. Right now, you got this leftover one with bad habits, junky desires, and questionable reflexes. Still that old ‘96 model with the busted air conditioning and the check-sin light on."

[Points to kid running with scissors.]

"And Jashaun, the flesh wants to do dumb stuff that can hurt you and others, like sprint with scissors at Vacation Bible School. Sit down before you get saved AND stitched."

[The kids crack up.]

Pastor Peaches: "Let me give you the real: It ain’t really you—it’s the old programming. But you got a new identity. And that’s who you gotta trust. God can use anybody—even you, with that crusty neck and that Dollar Tree attitude."

"SAY IT WITH ME: I am not the flesh!"

Kids: "I am not the flesh!"

"I am not who I used to be!"

Kids: "I am not who I used to be!"

"I am who God says I am!"

Kids: "I am who God says I am!"

Pastor Peaches: "That’s it, baby! You are a new creation! That old ‘you’ died with Jesus. This new you? Gloriously weird. Authentically forgiven. Unbothered by Satan’s Yelp reviews."

[Water balloon flies by and splashes him upside the head mid-thought.]

Pastor Peaches: "Ohhhh! That better be holy water, because y’all just baptized the wrong part of me!"

[Chaos erupts as the balloon fight begins prematurely. A few kids yell “WATER BAPTISM!” and try to dunk Sister Velma in a kiddie pool.]

Sister Velma (swinging a mop): "I told y’all once! Baptism is not just vibes and splashes, it’s a symbol of your death, burial, and resurrection with Christ! PUT DOWN THAT HOSE, CAM’RYN!"

Pastor Peaches (grinning, soaked): "She right, though. Baptism don’t make you new—it shows the world that you already ARE. So if you been baptized, that don’t mean ‘I’m tryna be good now,’ it means ‘I already AM good, thanks to Jesus, and I’m gonna live like it.’"

[He holds up a water balloon solemnly.]

"This balloon... Your flesh wants to throw it. But your spirit wants peace. Choose wisely."

[He mischievously hurls it at Pastor Reggie, who falls dramatically into the dunk tank.]

Pastor Peaches: "And now, children of God... LET THE WATER WAR BEGIN. But remember: just like your sins, these water balloons... will not stick. You clean, baby!"

VBS Day 2 Recap Summary (posted on church bulletin board):

• Big Idea: You are not your sin. You are not your past. You are a new creation with a new identity. Your flesh may still act a fool, but it’s not the real you anymore.

• Memory Verse: Romans 7:17

• Snack: “Acorn-to-Oak Trail Mix” (contains actual acorns; Velma has notes – “squirrel bait”)

• Game: Water Balloon Baptism Tag (Sister Velma is still very upset, and Cam’ryn is still under investigation)

• Takeaway: "You’re holy now, so live holy—and aim below the shoulders."

VBS Day 3: “You Got Gifts, But Grace Ain’t Just a Get-Out-of-Jail-Free Card”

Theme Verse: 1 Corinthians 12:7 – “Now to each one the manifestation of the Spirit is given for the common good.” 

Location: Main sanctuary (lights dimmed, stage glowing like a low-rent Pentecostal-ish Coachella) 

Special Segment: “Holy Bars: Rhymes of Righteousness” 

Safety Alert: Glow sticks are not for internal use

Pastor Peaches (now wearing LED sneakers and a bedazzled fanny pack labeled "WALKING IN GRACE"): "Church fam, saints, and glorified kindergartners—WELCOME to the spiritual gift exchange you didn’t know you were already invited to! You got somethin’ inside you from the Holy Ghost, and it’s not gas or that off-brand Lunchable we passed out yesterday!"

[Kids laugh. One sneezes glitter. Peaches nods approvingly. Some of the kids whose mothers are strippers at the club across the parking lot spend a lot of time together in quasi-legal child care, so glitter is a familiar nuisance even when it’s not VBS week.]

Pastor Peaches: "Let’s start with the verse, then break it like a piñata full of gospel truth."

1 Corinthians 12:7 — “Now to each one the manifestation of the Spirit is given for the common good.”

Pastor Peaches: "You hear that? To EACH ONE. That means you, Ja'Nesia. That means you, Terrion. Even you, Malakai, with your whole collection of fidget toys and three warnings from Sister Velma. Every brother and sister in Christ, from the Heavenly Court to court-mandated community service. Some of us got a prophetic word and a parole officer—God ain’t done with us yet. You got a gift. Not earned. Not deserved. Given. That’s grace, y’all. But that don’t mean grace is your spiritual Monopoly card to say, ‘The Lord knows my heart’ as you push someone off the swings.”

"Repeat after me: Grace is not a license!"

Kids: "Grace is not a license!"

"It’s a launch pad!"

Kids: "It’s a launch pad!"

Pastor Peaches: "You don’t use grace to go back to the same mess. You use grace to step into your purpose—with power. And that power shows up in different ways. Some of y’all got the gift of encouragement. Some of y’all got wisdom beyond your years—like Baby Yoda, but make it Bible. Some of y’all can sing like an angel that’s been autotuned by God Himself. Others... you might be in the prayer corner throwin’ hands against invisible demons. And that counts too!"

[A kid raises a hand.]

Zion (the 6th grade theology nerd): "In the ancient world, grace was accepted gratefully, as in a patron-client relationship with associated obligations…"

Pastor Peaches: "OH YOU WANNA BATTLE, ZION?!"

[Lights dim. Beat drops. Crowd gasps. A spotlight hits a portable cardboard stage labeled "THE UPPER ROOM CYPHER."]

“Holy Bars: Rhymes of Righteousness” 

[Zion enters with pocket ESV, blue-light glasses, and a New Testament Greek dictionary. Pastor Peaches spins his mic like nunchucks.]

The VBS Rap Battle commences.

Zion (first verse):

"I'm exposin' your heresy, teachin' precision, Justified by faith but sanctified with vision, Fruits of the Spirit? I got nine in my holster, While you out here preachin’ grace like it’s a free toaster!"

Pastor Peaches (retort verse):

"Boy, I ain’t preachin’ cheap grace, I’m preachin’ power, That blood hit different in your darkest hour, You still tryna earn what He already gave, But I’m chillin’ in the Spirit ‘cuz I rose from the grave!"

Zion (second verse):

"But what about repentance? Accountability? Can't just freestyle your way into humility."

Pastor Peaches (final verse):

"Repentance is real, it's a change of mind, But it’s God who works in you, both will and grind. It ain’t about fear—it’s about love on display, So walk in your gift... and GET OUT MY WAY."

[Crowd erupts. Someone faints in the heat. Sister Velma fans them with a glow-stick fan she made during crafts time.]

Pastor Peaches (returning to normal voice, breathing heavy): "Whew! Y’all! That’s how you do iron sharpening iron. I respect you, Zion. You gonna be a whole problem at seminary in 10 years—and I mean that in the most affirming way. We're actually basically saying the same things. Just remember: gifts without love are noisy gongs. And grace without growth is just wasted potential."

Glow Stick Interpretive Dance Debacle

[During closing worship, the “Creative Praise Squad” attempts an interpretive dance using glow sticks. What began as a Spirit-led movement quickly devolved into what observers called ‘LED Praise Parkour. One child cartwheeled into the soundboard. A glow stick flew into the baptismal and turned the water neon green. Zion declared, ‘That’s not liturgical, that’s illegal.’ Sister Velma called her cousin who’s a fire marshal.]

Pastor Peaches (closing): "Aight y’all... maybe the Spirit moved… maybe that was too much sugar. But either way, remember this: God gave you a gift, on purpose, for a purpose. And grace is what lets you use it boldly, not recklessly. Be kind to each other, and stay hydrated."

VBS Day 3 Recap Summary (Church GroupMe Announcement)

• Big Idea: You are gifted by God. Grace empowers you, not merely excuses you. Use your gifts for the good of others.

• Memory Verse: 1 Corinthians 12:7

• Snack: “Spiritual Fruit Kebabs” (9 fruits of the Spirit in skewer form; Sister Velma banned kiwi)

• Game: “Holy Bars” rap battle

• Activity: Interpretive dance with strict adult supervision moving forward

• Disciplinary Note: All glow sticks will now be securely locked up somewhere

VBS Day 4: "We’re Not Done Yet (But We’re Already Holy)"

Theme Verse: Romans 8:23 – "We ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption, the redemption of our bodies." 

Location: Fellowship Hall (after yesterday’s rambunctiousness, Sister Velma still finds glitter in her eyebrows) 

Sporting Event: Theologically-Correct Dodgeball (team jerseys provided by Sister Velma’s cousin’s screen-printing side hustle)

Pastor Peaches (in a black hoodie with gold lettering: “Perfected Forever, Still Groanin’ Tho”): "Today, we talkin’ resurrection. But not the ‘zombie apocalypse’ kind y’all keep bringin’ up in Minecraft. I’m talkin’ about your future body, baby—the one that don’t ache, don’t break, and don’t get hiccups from Capri Suns."

[Points to Jayla, currently hiccuping violently.]

"You alright, Jayla? That’s your current body fightin’ for relevance. Hang tight, sweetie. A glorified one is comin’."

Romans 8:23 — “We ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for… the redemption of our bodies.”

Pastor Peaches: "Now lemme ask y’all a deep question. Who here’s ever lost somebody? A grandma? A pet? A favorite wrestler who said, ‘I’m too old for this mess’?"

[Many hands go up. One kid solemnly raises a stuffed animal.]

Pastor Peaches (softer): "Yeah. That hurts, don’t it? You love hard, and when you lose, it hurts deep. But see, that’s why this hope we got ain’t fake. The Bible says Jesus conquered death—not just so your soul can float around on a cloud—but so you get a brand-new, never-dying, never-sick, glorified body. That means if you believe in Him, the people you lost who believed? You gonna see ‘em again. And it won’t be through tears and tissues. It'll be through reunion and resurrection."

Pastor Peaches: "Now, let me tell y’all a little story. A personal one."

Pastor Peaches’ Emotional Testimony: "The Stolen Lawn Chair and the Dog Named Elisha"

"When I first gave my life to Jesus for real—not that fake Momma’s-lookin’-at-me altar-call-once-a-year fire insurance stuff—I had this beat-up lawn chair. I’d sit in it every morning. Pray. Read. That chair had more anointing on it than most pulpits. One day... it was gone."

[Gasps. One kid gasps so hard he almost swallows a Fruit Roll-Up.]

"Who steals a PRAYER CHAIR, right?! I should have known better; you can’t leave nothin’ outside. I was HEATED. Felt like the devil himself crept in with a U-Haul. I was hurt. Angry. Felt violated. Then this dog—stray, dusty, full of fleas and purpose—showed up and sat where the chair used to be. Calm. Regal. Kinda smelled like corn chips."

"I named him Elisha. 'Cause that dog taught me somethin': The chair was never the source of my peace. Jesus was. And even when something’s taken from you, He replaces it with presence. Sometimes in a quiet whisper. Sometimes in a street dog with the aura of a prophet. Because where my ‘Elijah’—that chair—had gone up, Elisha remained.”

[The crowd is fully hooked, fanning themselves.]

“And in that moment, God whispered, ‘Son, the chair wasn’t the source. I was. You ain’t lost peace—you just left it outside overnight.’”

[Pause. Silence. Then slowly, one person claps. Then another.]

“So yeah. Maybe the moral is that sometimes the world takes your chair so God can sit in your soul.”

“…But also?”

[Leans in, drops his voice to a gravelly whisper.] “Y’all. Don’t leave your stuff out in this neighborhood. That was my fault. That has nothing to do with spiritual warfare. That was just dumb.”

[Everyone laughs. Someone shouts “Tell it, Pastor!”]

“God might give you a sign, a vision, or a dog. He also gave you common sense.”

[Silence. One kid begins quietly clapping. Others follow. Sister Velma wipes her eyes with a paper plate. Somebody starts a chant: “Lock it up! Lock it up!”]

Theological Dodgeball: “You Already Forgiven, But You Still Gotta Dodge”

Setup: Two teams—“Already Holy” vs. “Not Yet Glorified”

Referee: Pastor Peaches (whose whistle looks suspiciously like a kazoo)

Rulebook by Pastor Peaches:

• You cannot earn forgiveness by dodging.

• But if you stand still and get hit in the face repeatedly, you’ll start questioning your journey to Christian maturity. You will start reconsidering your fleshly choices.

• Every time someone gets out, they yell: “I’m still righteous!”

• The game ends when everyone’s tired and vaguely convicted.

Pastor Peaches (refereeing): "REMEMBER, kids—this is a metaphor! Sin’s been defeated, but your flesh still throws dodgeballs! Keep movin’ in the Spirit!"

[One kid tries to lay hands on the dodgeball. Another throws it shouting “REPENT!”]

Velma (yelling from snack table): "This is NOT how Paul explained sanctification!"

VBS Day 4 Recap Summary (posted via church’s TikTok with lo-fi beat):

• Big Idea: You're already spiritually made new, but your Christlike body’s still on backorder. Grief is real, but so is resurrection.

• Memory Verse: Romans 8:23

• Snack: "Heavenly Pizza" (with extra hope) that suspiciously still seems like unregenerate Earthly Pizza

• Game: Theological Dodgeball

• Reflection Question: Who or what are you hoping to see restored when Jesus returns?

Pastor Peaches’ Closing Benediction (as kids lay on beanbags, sweaty and spiritually edified): 

"Look, I know life be life-ing. Your body still aches, your dog still sheds, your siblings still try to sabotage your Fortnite rank. But let me tell you what’s realer than all that:

Jesus ain’t done with you. He started a work in you and He’s gonna finish it. He don’t leave projects half-finished like your last science fair volcano. You are holy, forgiven, growing, and groaning—but the resurrection is coming.

VBS Day 5: “Forever Family – You In, or Nah?”

Today is a celebration—the day we look each of these wild little saints in the eye and say: You’re in the family. For real. Forever. We've got:

Theme Verse: Galatians 4:7 – “So you are no longer a slave, but a child; and since you are his child, God has made you also an heir.” 

Location: Church parking lot, transformed into a family cookout, obstacle course, and baptismal bash; someone’s grilling “in faith, not by permit”

Pastor Peaches (in a white robe with gold lettering: "Grace Got Me", holding a mic and BBQ tongs): "LADIES! GENTLEMEN! TODDLERS RUNNING WITH CHICKEN LEGS! WELCOME TO THE MAIN EVENT OF YOUR ETERNAL DESTINY! THIS… IS… VBS DAY FIIIIIIIVE!!! Y’all. Look at me. No, not at the inflatable bounce house. Look at me. Today’s not goodbye—it’s your confirmation party. This whole week, we been tellin’ you the same truth twenty different ways: You’re in the family. And this family? Ain’t based on behavior. It’s based on blood. Not yours. His."

Galatians 4:7 — “So you are no longer a slave, but a child; and since you are his child, God has made you also an heir.”

Pastor Peaches: "You didn’t earn your way in. You don’t have to keep proving yourself to stay in. You didn’t sneak in through the back door like someone tryin’ to bum Wi-Fi off the sanctuary. You are adopted. You are sealed. You are stuck with us. Praise God! Repeat after me: I am God’s kid!"

Kids: I am God’s kid!

Pastor Peaches: "And you know what else? You can’t mess up what Jesus made right. Some of y’all still scared that if you sin too hard, or have a bad week, or say something reckless during Uno, God gonna cancel your salvation like it’s a subscription service. Wrong. The cross worked. The deal is sealed. You are His—forever, no matter how many Draw 4s you dropped on Nana."

Fruit of the Spirit Obstacle Course (aka “Sanctified Ninja Warrior”)

Stations Include:

1. Love Leap – Hug a stranger. (Sister Velma will supervise and spray Febreze after.)

2. Joy Jump – Bounce 10x on the Trampoline while shouting your favorite fruit of the Spirit.

3. Peace Path – Walk past 3 screaming toddlers without reacting. (Harder than it looks.)

4. Patience Pit – Sit still while someone slowly unwraps a fruit roll-up and tells a long testimony.

5. Kindness Kickball – Everyone wins. Everyone. Even Randy. Then, you have to high-five your opponent.

6. Self-Control Slide – Slide down but don’t scream, even if you want to.

7. Gentleness Gauntlet – Pet a baby goat without yelling. (Goat ain’t saved yet, so proceed gently. Courtesy of a visiting petting zoo. Yes, someone did name it "Deacon Fluff.")

The volunteers didn’t get there early enough to set up the Faithfulness and Benevolence obstacles. The extra cars from the local police repeatedly investigating the Asian Massage place that shares the lot with the church didn’t leave much room for them, anyway.

The Baptism of Big Meech  

Pastor Peaches: "Now before we close, I gotta testify. All week, this brother been sittin’ behind the vape counter next door listenin’ to our lessons, pretendin’ to organize grape-flavored fog juice—but really, the Spirit been organizin’ his heart."

[Crowd gasps. Big Meech appears in all-white sweats, visibly emotional, holding a towel with “FORGIVEN” monogrammed in gold thread.]

Big Meech: "I thought I was too far gone, y’all. I done stuff. But somethin’ hit me this week... I already been forgiven because of what Jesus did for me. I just never believed it."

Pastor Peaches (voice cracking): "Brother Meech, based on your confession and the truth of God’s Word, do you believe that Jesus Christ died for your sins and rose again, and that He is Lord? You ready to get dipped?"

Meech: "Dunk me, Pastor."

Closing Cookout & Benediction

Pastor Peaches (eating grilled corn, voice still loud): "Y’all, this week we learned who we are:

• Forgiven forever

• Holy by His work, not ours

• Gifted by grace

• Awaiting our new bodies

• And family—whether we act like it or not."

"Sister Velma, you got a word for the babies?"

Sister Velma (eyes misty): "Y’all know I don’t like cryin’ in public, but... I saw Jesus in these kids this week. Even the one who put barbecue sauce in the hand sanitizer."

Pastor Peaches: "That’s growth, baby, for them and for you."

Final Day Summary (bulletin + church TikTok montage):

• Big Idea: You are part of God’s forever family, sealed by the Spirit, safe forever

• Memory Verse: Galatians 4:7

• Snack: “Adoption Nachos” (cheesy but powerful)

• Activity: Fruit of the Spirit Obstacle Course

• T-Shirts: “Washed, Not Wishy-Washy”

• Quote of the Day: “You can’t mess up what Jesus made right.”

Closing Words from Pastor Peaches: 

"Children of the Most High… go out into that crazy world knowing this: 

You are not on probation. 

You are not on trial. 

You are permanently adopted into the greatest family ever assembled.

So live like it. Love like it. And for the love of all that is holy… treat your mother right, and treat each other right."

[He puts on shades. T-shirt cannon fires. A dove flies past for no reason at all.]

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